I don’t really blog much these days – most of the itch I have to express myself is easily scratched via Twitter… blogging seems so long form and old school now. I am not sure what I want to say now, but I feel like it is worth more than 140 characters to say :)
I was sometime in October of last year (I think) that I took my first extended leave of absence from my Dojo in more than 14 years. I had (have) health problems to resolve and significant fitness issues to address before I can really feel like a return was possible. I miss it. Every single day I miss the feeling of being someone who knows what I am made of, what I am capable of. I got a warm glow in my core from knowing that I was never more than a few days away from a physical and mental challenge. Without it I feel weak, like a failure in many ways.
On the other hand, there is simply no denying the fantastic strides I have made in my life in these last months. My business has become dramatically steadier and more profitable. My projects proceed at a much more rapid pace and my relationships are stronger than they have been in years. I have had the time to work with good pack mates in a way I have not felt since the initial days of The Estate. Health wise, I am insured and my blood pressure is down to something that wont result in me blowing a hole the size of a hornet through the side of my aorta.
In short – this has been among the most rewarding and productive periods of my life. I must, and I will, continue to carry the full momentum of these gains with me into the future. I know, exactly, how to build a better life for my House and all those who shelter under it. The wider benefits will help my pack mates and friends. Nothing must stop that or slow it down. This work, these advances, are my absolute priority.
But still, every day I do not feel like I have the right to put on my gi and wear my rank with the pride and blessing of my Sensei I feel a little bit hollow inside. Every day I have to look in he mirror and see a civilian, not a fighter, not a martial artist – I feel a little less like a man than I should.
Do not mistake me here. I am by no means unhappy. I am in fact in a period of clarity and accomplishment like none other in my adult memory. I guess I just want it to be complete :)
The answer then is simple… continue to balance work and leisure, making sure I make a lot of money without going crazy and drop about 45 pounds to get into good, fighting shape.
No problem :)
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