frustration - yeah, I know: bite me

Well, I am not a particularly happy camper. I know my anguish will make at
least one member of my audience happy but I figure I’ll just vent anyway :)

It has been several years not since the formation of dotPublishing, a company
I have great faith in and had big plans for. I still do. I just don’t know what
the problem is.

Maybe it’s me.

In some form or another I have been an entrepreneur since I was 17 or so.
Self employed most of that time and self educated. My skill set is good and I do
amazingly good work. I have good people around me, and they seem to be willing
to work hard on our ideas. Yet, nothing happens.

We drag ass from one basically pointless contract to another, making other
peoples visions realities 99% of the time then we move on - but we personally
still only have enough money to eat. Don’t get me wrong, we live well… but we
never get anyplace. Always we hope that after the next contract we will be able
to do something … get started .. get going.

Yet, the years go by and nothing happens. Chances come and go… fortunes
swell and fade. And we are still just a small company working our guts out to
survive.

It feels like a lack of commitment. It feels like maybe >I< lack
commitment.

It just feels like it’s slipping away. The months are going by - the industry
is moving on, and yet I still don’t have my game out. The dotcom boom came and
went, no investment. The people I have with me who can work on this stuff are
now so tied up trying to make a living they don’t have time to help… and the
best business mind I know is stuck in Atlanta doing some bullshit job because I
can’t afford to pay him a decent salary. He hung onto the hope for 5 years or so
- and now he had to move on.

  • Do we have to eat? Yes, of course.
  • Do we have to give 100% to your clients? Yes, of course. 
  • Does that mean we are doomed? It sure looks that way.

Let me tell you some of the things that will turn this all around… I need
just two of them… any two.

  • Some cute models who don’t mind a little soft core lesbianism who can work
    for a share of the profits from a website.
  • An investor who can put up the approximately $180,000 we would need to
    take 6 months and get our gaming website into beta.
  • Someone with solid skills in writing a business plan who could make us a
    priority and work for free or a future payment.
  • A top notch Flash designer who has a few week free for a piece of the
    action.
  • Ditto for a top notch 3-d person.

To be honest, the models hurt the most. You would think it wouldn’t be hard
to find them. Well, it sure seems to be. For more than 10 years I have had that
project in mind - yet it never seemed to be something I could work on today…
it was always something that had to wait till the next week or month or year.

Of course, I generally speaking suck with women, so that doesn’t help.

Maybe I am just mid - life at 34. I have no idea. I just know if another
month goes by with nothing accomplished I will scream. Every time I lose another
week, every time I wake up and another holiday has gone by and I am still on
this bullshit treadmill part of me dies.

  • When I was 18, this was simply a matter of time.
  • When I was 24, it was disappointing but not a big shock.
  • At 34, this is starting to piss me off.

The people around me are supportive and they have many nice things to say to
me, explaining why it is not tragic that I haven’t accomplished what I set out
to do yet - telling me that I am not failing. But they simply don’t understand
the fundamental reality:

There is no acceptable excuse for this level of failure
to achieve.

Of course, failure is relative. I am near the top of my field in skill. I
have a great group of friends and some amazing people love me. I am 34 and I
have a fantastic knowledge base and the potential to really do some amazing
things. I have forged social paths in my career and personal societal aims that
would make many happy.

But it isn’t enough. Not nearly.

In my own mind, I don’t really see that. I see the failures.

  • In 16 years, I have yet to train someone I would consider a
    "finished" or close to finished product to my standards of service
    (BDSM).
  • In 14 years, I have yet to get one photo shoot under my belt that fits my
    vision of erotica.
  • In 10 years, I have yet to find someone who can invest in me on a serious
    level.
  • In 10 years I have yet to give one of my best friends and partners a
    reason to trust me good enough for him to quit his job and take a chance.
  • In 6 years, I have yet to get a single complete business plan done.
  • In 18 years, I have yet to find peace with myself that would allow me to
    truly come to grips with my lifestyle choice.

Fuck it. I’m going to sleep. I’ll be in a better mood tomorrow, I always am.
And it won’t seem to dire, it never does. And maybe that’s the problem. I work
so hard on making sure I see the bright side maybe I forget to let the realities
of those failures drive me the way they should. 

Who knows. I guess I’ll just find a way to work even harder than I do. Maybe
if I stay up longer, do more, do more myself it will happen. I just know this is
killing me. Every day I wake up and bust my ass for someone else it kills me. Of
course, that’s not really all the problem. When we didn’t have a contract we
didn’t get much done either. And don’t think that didn’t piss me off.

There are millions of reasons, and what we are trying to do should really
take a staff of people at least four times as big as we have. When I say we “don’t get much done” I mean we haven’t changed the world yet. My team kicks ass and does the work of double our size… they are incredible people.

I know all this.

But not one photo shoot. Not one business plan. Not one serious investor
call.

Not one.

In years.

Fuck.

Even now my natural optimism is coming back. I know that the
project I am working on with Flagg is a good one. I know as a group we are
making great strides to doing amazingly difficult things. I can see our skills
grow every day.

I already feel silly for ever mentioning any of this. I knew I would.
However, I am going to stick with it and post it… because that’s why I started
this log, to post my thoughts. And I have already done all this typing :)

But it still sucks. And deep inside it still tastes like failure.

Now read all that again, and notice the ups and downs. The optimism and the
pessimism. The self judgment and the forgiveness of others. Looking ahead in
hope and in horror.

…welcome to my mind