I’m not really sure what to say about this. So I am just going to ramble.

A good friend of mine died Friday morning around 7:30 a.m; his name was Bill. In case the site changes, here is an image local to my site. it’s also worth noting that Bill was blogging for a while, before it had a popular name.

I’ve known him for a long time, longer than most of the other relationships in my life. He was one of those friends; the ones you don’t see every day – or even every week, or month – but you know they are there. You know you’ll get a phone call or an email with some tidbit from the web or a joke, or a comment. I have a few friends like that – and it was always a tremendous comfort to me, a connection that anchored me when I got a little… lost. Even if we didn’t talk. We shared a lot of projects, a lot of good times, bitched a lot about women and watched each other go through our share of lousy relationships. He went to my school for a long, long time and was one of the people who “got it” about a Dojo.

Oh, and he could use the word “Pleistocene” in a sentance.

Fuck.

Bill was a little difficult to deal with sometimes when you were right there with him. He was far from an asshole, he was one of the kindest men I knew. Consistently nice. In a crowd of friends who routinely insult and antagonize each other, Bill was an exception. That doesn’t make him better or worse, it’s just something worth mentioning. Anyway, Bill had a large collection of fairly trivial facts at his disposal, and he delighted in seeing if he could arrange to get you to guess at them… it was amusing and frustrating. he was sometimes a little loud.

Dammit.

He had a number of health problems, and I think as I look on it the most amazing thing about Bill in my mind is his health, and how he handled it. One day a long time ago, basically out of the blue, Bill called me up and let me know he was going in the hospital  for heart surgery to have a failing valve replaced. He wasn’t with anyone at the time, just him on his own and he pronounced this all in such a straightforward manner I think it always changed the way I looked at him… it was one of the strongest things I had ever seen. He never called me before that to complain about pain, or to cry on my shoulder or to agonize about the decision. In fact, I don’t think there was one. Bill wanted to survive for himself.

This sucks.

Bill was indulgent and patient with me on a number of things – my long standing quest for money and the chance to build my game among them. Long before most of the people I know now it was Bill who would stay up on weekends whenever I decided I needed help with THE project. Usually it was writing bulletin board systems back when such things had any value. He teased me but he never discouraged me. Bill never told me that I should get a “real job”. He lent me money when it was needed and I lent him money whenever it would help him out. Over the years, I think we broke even.

Never another email.

Anytime you needed something he was there. Not just for me, for anyone he considered a friend or acquaintance. He would help you move, or pack. Give you a ride or try and find something on the web. If he had it and you needed it, or he could do it… there he was. I think over the years we moved each other into and out of 10 apartments and houses. Any number of people will, and are, saying the same.

Far from a saint Bill was just a good friend, and a good man. To me, that is more useful than a saint is, and much harder to do.

Gone now.

The thing that annoys me more than anything is that it really looked like it was looking up for Bill. He was in the process of separating from his wife (amicably) and he seemed in good spirits about the future. He bought a sports car (a miata) and I know he was looking forward to having custody of his daughter. His relationship with his mother (a great lady) was as strong as always and she was helping with his daughter. He was losing weight (not in a bad way, and not related to his death) and for all I know he was growing hair again. His mid life was upon him, but there was no crisis in sight.

I remember thinking that after what seemed to me to be a lot of bad luck Bill was catching a break.

Of course not.

He never discussed it but Bill was in a lot of pain. I know his chest hurt every now and then from them cracking him open. He had trouble breathing and he had some fairly serious problems with his arm from a neck problem. There was a certain amount of chaos and friction in his personal life as well. Did I mention he never complained about any of this? Did I mention how much I always admired that?

I spent some time with Bill last week. I took him to get some tests done and he collapsed in the rest room at the medical office we had gone too.

I quote – “You know it’s a low point in your life when your only goal is to get your pants zipped up before you pass out.”. He was laughing at the time.

I followed the ambulance to the hospital. He was in good spirits but he was having a hard time breathing. They checked his heart function as always and it seamed to be OK. I spend about 2 hours with him I guess, killing time in the curtained space his bed was in, bullshitting and keeping him company till they hooked him up with a real room. I had to leave before they did, but that was probably the most time we had spent together in years actually talking.

I can’t stress enough that this didn’t feel like “it” to me that I can remember now. I was fully confident that we would see each other again. He was confident, and the medical results were looking OK. We weren’t saying goodbye – we were just shooting the breeze.

Very, very uncool.

Not that saying goodbye would have been something we would have done. We really didn’t discuss such things. it never occurred to me (and I think him) that we would need to. He knew, and I knew that we were close. What needed to be said? The close we would ever come was “Thanks dude.” and “No problem”.

As it should be.

He died from a blood clot from what we can tell, it stopped his lungs from what I know… they worked on him for an hour and then it was just … over.

Bill was older than me. In just about two hours from now I will have had the first day in my entire existence on the planet where he wasn’t out there someplace, doing his thing. I didn’t know he was out there for the first part of my life… but I had gotten used to it in the interval.

I’m not really the type who will be dragged down for long by something like this – but it will always be a space in my life. Like a toothache that hurts anytime you think about it.

I’ll probably talk about him again here, sooner or later when I sort this stuff out more. But for now it comes down to this:

Put your feet up guy, and enjoy the show. I hope it’s exactly the way you want it to be where you are.

Oh, and you won in the end… I’m finally wish you would tell me one of your stories…

See ya later :)